i've got heavy boots

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. Sophia Loren

I have had friends tell me of how scared they are/were about being a parent. About taking care of a child. I was always much more worried about the morning sickness, the labor, the complications of pregnancy for mother and child. All of my adult life I have never thought twice about the duty that comes with becoming a parent. I have said many times, "Oh, I'm not worried about that part at all, that part is easy".

I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll be wrong in this life.

Wednesday afternoon, while happily running errands and feeling fine, I suddenly became so dizzy and disoriented that I barely got my son and myself into the car without falling down. No matter how many gulps of water I took or deep breaths I exhaled, I could not get my bearings. I cranked the AC, dialed and waited for my wonderful sister to come rescue us.

After many hours of laying on the couch, eating snacks, and being walked to the bathroom, I began to feel less dizzy. Less out of control.

My sister came to our rescue again today. She very willingly came at 6:30am to spend the day babysitting us. She rode with me to the doctor. I was too nervous to do anything alone. She tolerated all my rhetorical "what if it's this..." comments, and suffered my annoying hypochondriac-ness. No doubt she could see that physically, I was probably capable of taking care of a day at home with Sawyer and myself. But she knows me well enough to know that emotionally and mentally, I am still incapacitated.

Doc said it is vertigo, which I had already self diagnosed. Thank you, webmd.com.

It is getting better, and will eventually go away.

"Not to worry."
"Very common, very normal."

But I am having an internal pity party. I am so worried for Sawyer, for me, and for how the two of us will get along on our own. All of my adult life I have never thought twice about the duty that comes with becoming a parent, until now, until I feel like I won't be able to be one.

I realize that none of this is life threatening. But it doesn't stop the aching fear that fills my head almost constantly now. If it were just me, if I were not responsible for that sweet boy, then it would be very different. Naturally, I worry a little for his safety all the time anyways, but now I worry that I won't be able to keep him safe and cared for. As a mother, this is the hardest thing for me to feel. Inadequate.

Last call. Every [pity] party has to end at some point, right?

For now, I am watching Sawyer sleep soundly in his swing. He is safe. We are safe.