wishlist

My birthday (the BIG one) is coming up in July. I was taught as a child to make lists of gifts I wanted, since we kids returned more than half the things our family bought us. This isn't to say we were hard to buy for, or ungrateful for what we were gifted with. Often it was due to things like wrong size, wrong color, duplicate toys...so my grandparents always asked for a list. It was one of my favorite things about birthdays and Christmas- getting to search the store ad books for goodies to add to my list.

Now I just take to the internet..


size small

brown, size 8




black or white, size small

how do I NOT own this? Need it!


size small

silver

here

randoms

I have a 3 year old. How is that possible? Who entrusted me with this kid?

Sawyer's 3rd birthday was great. Started out with a quiet morning at home with his few little gifts from us. That afternoon we had a picnic party at his favorite nearby park. Included in his morning gifts was his costume box. I've been collecting little costume/dress up items for him for a while and put them all in a nice box for him to play with. He was obviously very excited to be Captain Hook.

I am very excited to be Captain Hook's mom. He's pretty great.

digging up the past

I started a tumblr account, which I sometimes post to, so I kind of forgot about posting here. I know the one person who reads this was wondering...

I have musical A.D.D. I like a huge variety of music. But I have a hard time allowing my iPod to just shuffle. I am constantly skipping to the next song, "No...hmm...no...eh...no...", click click click on the iPod wheel. Lately I'm trying to just let the iPod chips fall where they may and see what shuffle gives me. The shuffle has brought to the table a few things:

1. I need to clean out my iPod. Why is there so much Pearl Jam on there?? (Spencer loves PJ, so every b-side is in our Library, and apparently also on my iPod)

2. I really love and miss a lot of bands that are no longer making music. It makes me kind of sad, but really happy that they made such great music before moving on to other things in life.

3. I also really love a lot of new music. I've felt out of touch with what's happening in music for a while, and Vegas has hardly no local music scene anyways. But I've been trying to stay current and aware of new bands/artists and not turn into an old lady who surrenders to Sunny 106.5. It's a slippery slope.

In honor of bands gone-by, here's a few I'd drop everything for, and even get a sitter, to go see live if they were still playing shows.

AT THE DRIVE-IN. One of my favorite bands to see live back in the day. I lost track of how many times I road-tripped to California to see them play in high school. Listening to their albums now makes me want to track Cedric down and orchestrate a reunion tour.

THE FORMAT. I liked their first full length album, it was fun to sing along and drive to. But then their 2nd album came out and it was...blech. But then they were playing a show in town and my sister and I decided to go hoping they'd play old songs. Then they played mostly the 2nd album and it was CRAZY good live. It's one of my favorites to this day. Seeing a band live can be a real game-changer.

THAT DOG. They actually recently played a couple reunion shows in Southern Cali. Really sad I missed that chance. Love them and never did see them play live. Retreat from the Sun is all about boys and crushes and it defines me at 17.


PLANES MISTAKEN FOR STARS. Saw them play a handful of times. They always smelled like the bottom of a garbage can and played loud, fast and heavy. Seriously, the dirtiest dudes ever, it was kind of a trademark. I mostly loved watching Spencer go nuts to their songs, it was a rare treat.


RAINER MARIA. Luckily, I saw them play with The Format years back. I'd loved this band for a really long time and I never made it to Cali for any of their west coast shows. They were amazing live, just like their recordings. They wrote beautiful songs.

THE MOVIELIFE. Some of the nicest guys and they played really fun shows.


Never saw Operation Ivy live and as much as I know people gasp when I say it, I've never loved Rancid. I know I should, since I loved Op Ivy, but I just can't get into them. Would love to see Operation Ivy live. I might even wear wingtip shoes and my hair in ringlets like I did a LONG time ago. Boy, I thought it was a good look at one time.

Clearly, clearly, I have total musical A.D.D. Look at that sprawl of music!

like father, like son

Playing around with my new lens and capturing some great glimpses of life with this crazy kid.

Watching a little person turn into a slighty less-little person is entertaining, to say the least.

Noteworthy things Sawyer has done/said recently include, but are not limited to:

Telling us "This is not a joke! This is serious!", sometimes in correct context, sometimes not. Funny anytime.

Using his Lightning McQueen potty as a step stool instead of a place to deposit stools (like how I wrapped that up?)

Crouching down, yelling "Mark? Set? GO!" and running as fast as he can down the hallway over and over and over.

Lots of time with Dad with the summer off. August is going to crush him.

Asking if we can go to the beach again. Attaboy!

Refusing lunch or dinner. "I just need a snack!", meltdown ensues.

Outgrowing baths and wanting to take showers. At least he isn't refusing to bathe, waiting for that one.

"Bless that the bugs won't bite and the monsters won't bite" - said every night during his prayers. Do we have bed bugs I don't know about?

Lots of "helping", we'll use that term loosely. Helping me cook, helping Dad with the trash, helping clean up toys.

Being awesome, in general.

new lens, new life

For Mothers Day/Anniversary/making up for any holidays inbetween, Spencer got me a new camera lens. I've had a hard time adjusting to a fixed lens, but man, it is pretty.

baby, you're a firework

I'm a yankee doodle dandy. Truly, born on the 4th of July. It's a great day to have a birthday. Always a party, always explosives.



*I promise I'm not aging that rapidly. My eyes are bloodshot from lots of marco-polo in the pool.



It was another good birthday. This year there were several bbq's, prezzies (presents), and time with friends and family who I love. And not to mention spending a week on the beach in an amazing house a few weeks before my actual bday. 29 is gonna be a hard one to beat.

free

"Cause you're going home
You're running free
As only you would be if you never owed them anything
And now you've found your way out
In the trust you've seen your path on home" coheed & cambria



There aren't enough grains of sand or stretches of boardwalk to explain how happy San Diego makes me. Thank you for the bike rides, shopping, the zoo, sunburns, parks, slurpees, ocean breezes, sandcastles, and a calm within my soul like only anesthesia can deliver. San Diego is my haven. It is where I should live. Come to think of it, when my time comes, bury me on it's sandy shores.

it's my party

My birthday is fast approaching and here is all I want this year:

This home (or one similar) in San Diego. This is my new 3 year plan- RELOCATION

On a smaller scale, these are next up on the list:
TOMS, red or grey, size 8-8 1/2
Old Navy, size XS or S
Old Navy, size 8
Gap, size 2
F21, black or white, size S
Payless (don't hate), size 8Nikon 35-70mm f/2.8D AF Zoom

hope for now

"But what would it take to live
As if I would not another day"



This is one of my favorite singer/songwriters. The new album is the jackpot.

mantra

"LIFE IS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED, NOT ENDURED"
Gordon B. Hinckley

Heard this quote at a church meeting the other night and it has been in the forefront of my mind ever since. That kid definitely enjoys life, think I'll take a cue.

wish i may wish i might

Things I am wishing/wanting for:

-A potty-training fairy to come do the dirty work for me. Haven't given potty-training a solid try yet because a.) Sawyer totally doesn't get it yet, and b.) I totally don't want to clean any business out the briefcase, if ya know whatimsayin'.

-A pool in my backyard so I can be tan and lazy and cool all summer long.

-Peace on earth.

-Teleportation to be invented already. Cmon' Star Trek geeks, figure that out.

-Longer hair. I had a dream that it was long. Like, Kardashian Sisters long.

-Justin Bieber to be my little brother and/or nephew. Have you seen Never Say Never? I love him (not like that, ew) and I don't care who knows it.

-A cure for grief, cause it is a killer.

-To have a job making soundtracks to people's lives. That could be a real job, right?

mothers day is every day

me and Mom, July 2006

"But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin."
— Mitch Albom, For One More Day

get me out of my mind

I watched a movie that really made me THINK about what it is to be a parent.

I don't think that was the intention of the filmmakers, but that's the effect it had on me.

In the movie, I saw parents doing everything they could think of to help their children succeed in life and have opportunities to make a better life. They were parents fighting challenges of the everyday, desperately trying to get their children one step further ahead in life then they had been themselves. And in the end, even with all the devotion, determination and dedication that these parents exerted, it wasn't enough.

While I was sad for those children, I was heartsick for their parents. I don't know if there's a greater sadness then failing your children, especially when you've sacrificed beyond measure to avoid it.

I catch myself sitting around feeling sorry or disappointed sometimes. It's not often, but it happens. Wondering what other peoples lives are like, and what they're doing. Am I doing enough? What AM I doing, really? Is it worth it?

The grass isn't greener anywhere. The push and pull of being a parent...it's the biggest challenge I can think of.

I don't have an ideal of what a parent should be. I don't even know what the end result for my child should be. But if I have half the devotion, determination and dedication to my child as the parents in the movie did, then I would consider that an accomplishment in itself, for both me and my kid.

When I finished the movie, I felt like those kids were the luckiest kids in the world. To have such devout people invested in your life, your happiness, it's incredible. Even though circumstance was not on their sides, their parents always would be.

ashes to ashes

Everything I do, I do it for you

I promise I won't just blog about death. I'll blog about love too. Cause there's a lot of it left in the world.

The title of this blog post is brought to you from the classic Brian Adams ballad Everything I do. Fittingly, this post is about love songs. Ironically, Everything I do did not make it into my top ten list. Surprised?

I love songs about love. GOOD songs about love. I'm always making mixtapes in my head for the perfect wedding cd or lovers album. Too bad I didn't think to do this when I actually got married, duh.

So here's a compilation, a smattering, a buffet of songs that I love, about love. Some are silly, some are serious. They're all a little sweet.



ADELE ONE AND ONLY
This is currently my-If I got married again, I'd have my first dance to this song-song. Adele is perfection.


THE SMITHS THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT
Emo Megan loved this song. It was like it had been written just for my longing, teenage soul. There were a number of boys who, at the age of 16, I was fully prepared to die in a car crash with. Trouble was, none of them knew it.


DEAR AND THE HEADLIGHTS I JUST DO
This is the song you wish your boyfriend had written for you in college. It reminds me of my boyfriend in college, the husband.


VAN MORRISON I'LL BE YOUR LOVER TOO
2 words. Van. Morrison.


JIMMY EAT WORLD FOR ME THIS IS HEAVEN
The lyric "Can you still feel the butterflies?" encapsulates the first flutterings of every crush


THE BEATLES OH DARLING
So many good Beatles songs to choose from. It's a tie between this one and Something


COLDPLAY THE SCIENTIST
I know this song is in too many romantic dramadies, making it cliche and trendy, but it's perfect. I don't care how popular Coldplay is, I'm on that bandwagon.


BLINK 182 M&M'S
At the age of 14 this was the epitomy of romance and true love. Could not leave it out.


BJORK JOGA
Bjork sends me into a state of emergency. She writes beautiful songs.


COHEED AND CAMBRIA WAKE UP
Dear Claudio...

Did I say top 10? Clearly, I meant 11...

THE FORMAT JANET
End the list on a fun note. This song makes me happy.

I had 23 songs picked out, but this is already excessive. If you didn't believe I had schizophrenic taste in music, now you know.

the process

I said a lot of prayers while my Dad was in the hospital. I prayed for a lot of different things. Most frequently, I prayed to be calm and to be strong.

And I asked for God's will to be done, no matter what. All 3 of those prayers were answered. That's been a hard pill to swallow, trust me.

I knew that my Dad was going to die. I knew it before any doctor said so or before any real indication was given. I felt it and I knew it and I shoved it down so no one could see it on my face or hear it in my voice within the walls of the ICU. Maybe I thought if I could hide it away then it wouldn't happen. But it did.

Even though I knew it was coming, I was able to be calm and be strong for myself and others around me. At each visit, I was able to shake off my nerves and tears the minute I got off the elevator at the hospital. Like the flip of a switch. It was kind of miraculous. It was not my doing.

When the last day came, I felt prepared and resilient. But in the harsh light of a hospital room, nothing truly prepares you for watching a life slip away. Especially the life from which you came.

I wanted that calm and strength to rub off onto my family, to permeate and fill the cracks. Even though it has been a comfort and aid for me, it isn't enough for everyone. There are moments now, in the aftermath, where all my calm and strength escapes me, and you can see it on my face or hear it in my voice. There are rises and swells, like waves, in between the steady rhythm of the everyday.

I don't have a point, really. I just woke up with these thoughts streaming through my head. Just have to ride it out.

train up a child

As I was ironing today, a scripture came to mind. This is not a post about how doing housework, like ironing, is spiritual or uplifting, because it is not. At all. Ironing is tedious and relentless. Just rude.

I do the ironing in our house, always have. I do it because it isn't all that difficult (just annoying) and it feels like something I've just always known how to do. But as I hung up shirt after freshly pressed shirt this morning, I realized that this isn't something I've always known how to do. It is something someone taught me. And that someone is gone. Gone from this life to the next.

I am grateful for a father who taught me a lot. A lot more than just ironing.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Fences

I take it back. I am not dedicated enough to take a picture of my outfit everyday. I also don't have time everyday. Somedays, yeah, but not everyday. Besides that, my lighting and location are awful. Self photography is not my strong suit.

So let's regroup. I'll try harder to put together outfits that I LOVE, because you really should love what you wear. And I'll try to post pictures when I can and see how that goes.

I'm feeling very non-committal these days. Sitting on a fence is uncomfortable, by the way.

Here's the 2 outfits on the days that I was dedicated to this idea.

Shirt, Nordstrom rack. Jeans, Gap. Cardigan, Shade Clothing. Boots, Target.

What I wasn't dedicated to was putting on makeup on day 2. Sorry.
Dress, Target. Leggings, Ross. Boots, thrifted. Bicycle necklace, Tulle.

on the catwalk

You know those blogs where women post photos of their daily outfits? The ones where they are featured standing in perfect natural light in a field or on a busy city street? And they have on beautiful clothes from boutiques or, even better, their sponsors? And their hair and accessories are always on point?

I drool over those blogs.

This isn't one of those blogs.

BUT, I have been wanting to document my outfits via my blog (which I think 3 people read, total). I have been cycling through the same articles of clothing repeatedly the past month or so, and I need to work more at mixing it up. I have a lot of clothes to choose from (don't tell my husband I admitted that), and my choices have been lackluster recently.

So I'm hoping that documenting what I wear for a few weeks will do 2 things:
1. Stir up a renewed effort/energy in choosing my clothes each day, and...
2. Help me to find the things I never wear so I can either work them into an outfit or get rid of them

oh and a third thing!...3. Give me a chance to see what items I need to add to my closet. I use the term need loosely, here.

Not sure if I can pull off daily photographs of myself fully dressed and with my hair combed but here's hoping.

snowbirds

We loaded into the car one Saturday morning a few weeks ago with our gloves, beanies and boots- ready for the snow. It'd been a topic of conversation all week.

"I go see da snow today?" was the greeting I heard every morning when going to get Sawyer from his crib.

Imagine the disappointment, when we finally got out of the car at a perfect snowman building spot at Mt. Charleston, to see that the snow was really just ice. Frozen, slippery, unforgiving ice.

After about 10 minutes of trying to make snowballs out of ice and having no luck at all, Sawyer said "Its too swippery!" and we waved our flags and returned to the city. The rest of the day panned out much better with a lunch date at the park with his cousins and dinner at a "renst-uh-rant" later that night.

P.S. I have SUCKED at taking pictures lately. Once there's some good images worth sharing, the blog posts might be a. more frequent, b. more interesting.