get me out of my mind

I watched a movie that really made me THINK about what it is to be a parent.

I don't think that was the intention of the filmmakers, but that's the effect it had on me.

In the movie, I saw parents doing everything they could think of to help their children succeed in life and have opportunities to make a better life. They were parents fighting challenges of the everyday, desperately trying to get their children one step further ahead in life then they had been themselves. And in the end, even with all the devotion, determination and dedication that these parents exerted, it wasn't enough.

While I was sad for those children, I was heartsick for their parents. I don't know if there's a greater sadness then failing your children, especially when you've sacrificed beyond measure to avoid it.

I catch myself sitting around feeling sorry or disappointed sometimes. It's not often, but it happens. Wondering what other peoples lives are like, and what they're doing. Am I doing enough? What AM I doing, really? Is it worth it?

The grass isn't greener anywhere. The push and pull of being a parent...it's the biggest challenge I can think of.

I don't have an ideal of what a parent should be. I don't even know what the end result for my child should be. But if I have half the devotion, determination and dedication to my child as the parents in the movie did, then I would consider that an accomplishment in itself, for both me and my kid.

When I finished the movie, I felt like those kids were the luckiest kids in the world. To have such devout people invested in your life, your happiness, it's incredible. Even though circumstance was not on their sides, their parents always would be.

ashes to ashes

Everything I do, I do it for you

I promise I won't just blog about death. I'll blog about love too. Cause there's a lot of it left in the world.

The title of this blog post is brought to you from the classic Brian Adams ballad Everything I do. Fittingly, this post is about love songs. Ironically, Everything I do did not make it into my top ten list. Surprised?

I love songs about love. GOOD songs about love. I'm always making mixtapes in my head for the perfect wedding cd or lovers album. Too bad I didn't think to do this when I actually got married, duh.

So here's a compilation, a smattering, a buffet of songs that I love, about love. Some are silly, some are serious. They're all a little sweet.



ADELE ONE AND ONLY
This is currently my-If I got married again, I'd have my first dance to this song-song. Adele is perfection.


THE SMITHS THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT
Emo Megan loved this song. It was like it had been written just for my longing, teenage soul. There were a number of boys who, at the age of 16, I was fully prepared to die in a car crash with. Trouble was, none of them knew it.


DEAR AND THE HEADLIGHTS I JUST DO
This is the song you wish your boyfriend had written for you in college. It reminds me of my boyfriend in college, the husband.


VAN MORRISON I'LL BE YOUR LOVER TOO
2 words. Van. Morrison.


JIMMY EAT WORLD FOR ME THIS IS HEAVEN
The lyric "Can you still feel the butterflies?" encapsulates the first flutterings of every crush


THE BEATLES OH DARLING
So many good Beatles songs to choose from. It's a tie between this one and Something


COLDPLAY THE SCIENTIST
I know this song is in too many romantic dramadies, making it cliche and trendy, but it's perfect. I don't care how popular Coldplay is, I'm on that bandwagon.


BLINK 182 M&M'S
At the age of 14 this was the epitomy of romance and true love. Could not leave it out.


BJORK JOGA
Bjork sends me into a state of emergency. She writes beautiful songs.


COHEED AND CAMBRIA WAKE UP
Dear Claudio...

Did I say top 10? Clearly, I meant 11...

THE FORMAT JANET
End the list on a fun note. This song makes me happy.

I had 23 songs picked out, but this is already excessive. If you didn't believe I had schizophrenic taste in music, now you know.

the process

I said a lot of prayers while my Dad was in the hospital. I prayed for a lot of different things. Most frequently, I prayed to be calm and to be strong.

And I asked for God's will to be done, no matter what. All 3 of those prayers were answered. That's been a hard pill to swallow, trust me.

I knew that my Dad was going to die. I knew it before any doctor said so or before any real indication was given. I felt it and I knew it and I shoved it down so no one could see it on my face or hear it in my voice within the walls of the ICU. Maybe I thought if I could hide it away then it wouldn't happen. But it did.

Even though I knew it was coming, I was able to be calm and be strong for myself and others around me. At each visit, I was able to shake off my nerves and tears the minute I got off the elevator at the hospital. Like the flip of a switch. It was kind of miraculous. It was not my doing.

When the last day came, I felt prepared and resilient. But in the harsh light of a hospital room, nothing truly prepares you for watching a life slip away. Especially the life from which you came.

I wanted that calm and strength to rub off onto my family, to permeate and fill the cracks. Even though it has been a comfort and aid for me, it isn't enough for everyone. There are moments now, in the aftermath, where all my calm and strength escapes me, and you can see it on my face or hear it in my voice. There are rises and swells, like waves, in between the steady rhythm of the everyday.

I don't have a point, really. I just woke up with these thoughts streaming through my head. Just have to ride it out.

train up a child

As I was ironing today, a scripture came to mind. This is not a post about how doing housework, like ironing, is spiritual or uplifting, because it is not. At all. Ironing is tedious and relentless. Just rude.

I do the ironing in our house, always have. I do it because it isn't all that difficult (just annoying) and it feels like something I've just always known how to do. But as I hung up shirt after freshly pressed shirt this morning, I realized that this isn't something I've always known how to do. It is something someone taught me. And that someone is gone. Gone from this life to the next.

I am grateful for a father who taught me a lot. A lot more than just ironing.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Fences

I take it back. I am not dedicated enough to take a picture of my outfit everyday. I also don't have time everyday. Somedays, yeah, but not everyday. Besides that, my lighting and location are awful. Self photography is not my strong suit.

So let's regroup. I'll try harder to put together outfits that I LOVE, because you really should love what you wear. And I'll try to post pictures when I can and see how that goes.

I'm feeling very non-committal these days. Sitting on a fence is uncomfortable, by the way.

Here's the 2 outfits on the days that I was dedicated to this idea.

Shirt, Nordstrom rack. Jeans, Gap. Cardigan, Shade Clothing. Boots, Target.

What I wasn't dedicated to was putting on makeup on day 2. Sorry.
Dress, Target. Leggings, Ross. Boots, thrifted. Bicycle necklace, Tulle.

on the catwalk

You know those blogs where women post photos of their daily outfits? The ones where they are featured standing in perfect natural light in a field or on a busy city street? And they have on beautiful clothes from boutiques or, even better, their sponsors? And their hair and accessories are always on point?

I drool over those blogs.

This isn't one of those blogs.

BUT, I have been wanting to document my outfits via my blog (which I think 3 people read, total). I have been cycling through the same articles of clothing repeatedly the past month or so, and I need to work more at mixing it up. I have a lot of clothes to choose from (don't tell my husband I admitted that), and my choices have been lackluster recently.

So I'm hoping that documenting what I wear for a few weeks will do 2 things:
1. Stir up a renewed effort/energy in choosing my clothes each day, and...
2. Help me to find the things I never wear so I can either work them into an outfit or get rid of them

oh and a third thing!...3. Give me a chance to see what items I need to add to my closet. I use the term need loosely, here.

Not sure if I can pull off daily photographs of myself fully dressed and with my hair combed but here's hoping.