shaky saturday

This morning started off especially bad.

I remember waking to hear Sawyer crying from his crib at 8am.

I literally jumped out of bed and ran into his room. This is strange because I never do this. I am usually not alarmed to being woken up by him squawking/talking/occasionally crying. I never rush into his room straight away. But rush I did. Rush, indeed.

I pulled him from his crib and laid him on his changing table. All of a sudden I felt nauseous, dizzy and really hot. I knelt down beside his changing table with one hand on him so he wouldn't fall and after a few seconds I managed to shake the gross feeling.

Minutes later I was walking with Sawyer in my arms back into my room and the feeling came rushing back. I was disoriented and everything was foggy. I felt like it was 150 degrees and everything was closing in on me.

I woke up on the floor slumped against the bedroom doorway. Sawyer was at my feet, screaming.

He appeared unharmed. No bleeding. No visible bumps or scrapes. But he was screaming like I had never heard before. I gathered him up and crawled to the phone, seeing as I wasn't doing so hot on 2 feet so far.

I dialed Spencer's cell. Then everything was black again.

I woke up to hear the female voicemail voice telling me to push 1 if I was satisfied with my message. I hung up. Sawyer was still screaming.

I crawled into the bathroom and attempted to splash my face with water but couldn't do that with Sawyer in my hands. I set him in the sink. Everything went black again.

I gathered Sawyer and sat on the bathroom floor rocking him to try and settle him down. I realized it was time for his morning bottle. Maybe that would calm him. I crawled down the hallway with him in my arms, and scooted down the stairs.

I finally felt stable enough to stand and made him a bottle as quickly as I could. He sucked half of it down quietly, then started screaming again.

He has to be hurt, is all I kept thinking, but I couldn't see where he was hurt. And I didn't know if I had dropped him or where or how far he would have/could have fallen. I didn't know what had happened to him during my bouts of blackouts. I felt totally helpless. And from what I could tell, so did he.

Eventually he did calm down. Eventually I ate some graham crackers and juice and began feeling better.

I inspected him head to toe. No bumps, no bruises, not a mark on him, somehow.

I'm still a little shaken. I imagine rushing from a deep sleep with little food from the night before in my stomach was what caused my fainting.

More than anything, I am just trying to fight off the overwhelming guilt and worry that is trying to consume me entirely. Not that there is much a person can do to avoid a spontaneous fainting fit...but hearing the 20 second voicemail message that recorded at 8:05am of Sawyer screaming helplessly on Spencer's cell phone sure makes me wish I could have done something, anything.